12.30.2004

Digital Stimulation

Some people need help. Specifically, some people need help with their bottom systems. Who am I to judge? Lord knows I've had my share of gastrointestinal problems. However, in my case the only living souls who have actually witnessed said troubles were my mom and the custodial staff of the local Taqueria. But if you have ever spent more than five minutes with a elderly individual you are probably able to describe with startling clarity the intimate workings of their colon.
I mean, let's be frank here. There are three undisputed truths in this world: Women can't drive, all black people are criminals, and old people are obsessed with their bowels. And before any of you think of lecturing me on the social repercussions of negative stereotypes, you'd better shut your black mouth and get back in the kitchen where you belong before I commit you to a home and pilfer your social security checks.
Working as a geriatric nurse, I have to hear an excessive amount of information about people's shit, or lack thereof. Of course, there are the standard therapeutic remedies to get things moving along- prunes, stool softeners, lots of water, high fiber diet, hot baths- but certain situations can get a bit extreme. Sometimes the fiesty ones start ordering me around like I'm their personal shit slave: "Get me an enema!", or "I need a suppository!", or worst of all, "Get in there and DIG!"
Which is where the spelunking comes in.
Have you ever forced your index finger into the deep, menacing crevasse of someone's anus? No? Well let me tell you, it's quite unnerving. Somehow, a latex glove just isn't enough protection from the warmth, the moisture, the oozing and the creepy peristalsis. It's like a giant, writhing earthworm vomiting on your hand.



I once had a young quadriplegic patient who, for obvious reasons, was much more seasoned in the art of digital stimulation than the average American. This was a nightly routine for us: me, spending thirty minutes massaging the inner lining of his rectum and he, lying there with a faraway look which in my mind could be translated into, "Hehe, that tickles!"
One day he looked at me and said, "Where did you learn how to do this?"
Briefly, panic struck as I frantically wondered why he would even want to know the answer to that question. "I've been doing it for a long time," was the inappropriate response that popped out of my mouth. "Well," he said, "You're not doing it right."
Dear God in heaven, you mean there's a WRONG way to stick your finger in someone's ass in order to cull feces?! Why didn't I learn this in nursing school? Why didn't I learn this in sex ed?
"Well, it's WORKING," I defensively retorted. Who is this guy to criticize ME while my freshly manicured finger is repeatedly plunging itself into yesterday's poorly digested meatloaf? He proceeded to direct my ignorant finger into a clockwise sweeping circular motion, in order to more effectively "open things up".
I have used his technique many times since. Although the aftermath can be unpleasant (the mess qualifying for federal disaster relief aid), when the job is done everyone can take a huge cleansing breath and say... "Until tomorrow."

Comments:
Holy shit, Spoonie! Now you've done it! From that "quaint little rural" town of Houston! HA HA HA! Now I know more than I ever wanted to for future reference. Should come in handy with the elderly kin. :P

Clo
 
What an interesting blog. Just as I am surfing past all the teenies breathlessly describing their first dates/hairdo/tattoo/cellphone/sexual experience or breakup, I find a blog about poo surfing. Well, its on your mind, and the blog is likely cathartic, so what the hell. I can see why it would be a bit more important than your first cell phone though....grin!
 
What an asshole kind of blog.

And I'm laughfing my ass off here - knowing you from another world.

sndwave
 
It's about damn time Spoonster! Tales from the back door! God that sounds so perverted but yet at the same time there's a curious sense of joy one can acquire from such short stories. Keep it up!

haf :)
 
I like throwing big rocks in lakes.
I dont like old people's butts.
I can catch a monkey.

That wasnt a haiku or anything, so dont count the syllables.

-
Cheese
 
Yeah thats how it is
Lot15
 
Hey! Where's the latest entry for the New Year? I'm bummed not to have my Spelunk fix, tee hee! Happy 2005!

Cheers!
Clover :)
 
Having just had my most recent butt check, yet being regular, I can appreciate the turmoil this tasking plays with/in your mind. I recently retired from being a medical courier for the local health system here in the east, so I can feel your (Pain)? Or is it the pain you provide? I roared when I read your stuff, too much, keep up the stories, I enjoy these times when I can fall out of my chair from laughing so hard.
 
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