7th Heaven it Ain't

Alright people. I have a confession. Last night in my utter depression, while trying (unsuccessfully) to work on my thesis, I put the telly on. I usually don't pay attention to the programming; since I live a desperately shallow and alone existence here in Fort Worth, I put the radio or tv on so that I can pretend I have company. For example, if FRIENDS were on, I might offer (or perhaps hurl, if the feeling was there) my own comments at those kooky characters, perhaps breaking into my own rendition of "Smelly Cat" in accompanyment of Phoebe. But enough on that: last night, 7th HEAVEN came on, and let me tell you, I have never seen a more poorly written and acted show in MY ENTIRE 23 YEARS ON THIS PLANET. I was offended, beguiled, enraged, and simultaneously felt pity for the sorry bastards who either write, produce, act on, or hell, even get coffee and donuts for the bitches who do any of those other things for this show. Needless to say, I watched with morbid fascination.

Well, in this episode, our beloved LUCY is going to give birth to her first child. And no, it can't happen in a hospital or even in one of those yucky birthing tubs in the presence of a rastafarian midwife. Nope. Lucy's gonna have her baby IN AN ELEVATOR. That, my friends, is cinematic greatness. Well, you ask, how the hell does a 9-months pregnant woman get trapped in an elevator? Long story short: Lucy is on bed rest and perpetually whining that she can't have showers or go buy shit for the kid herself, so first her husband (Kevin, apparently a cop) chides her like Ricky Ricardo might his wife Lucy, about staying in bed,while her brother (Matt, apparently a medical student) pops in about 2.8 seconds after Kevin leaves, offering to take Lucy shopping. Can we all see what's coming here? I mean, seriously, even a retarded 4th grader could follow this shit.

So, Matt takes Lucy to the department store, all the while hunting "little baby blankets," which, conveniently, are NOT LOCATED on the first floor WITH EVERY OTHER BABY ITEM KNOWN TO MAN. So, the kind (yet armed with a biting wit and a handsome department-store issue vest) salesman takes the couple (which, since neither are wearing wedding rings, salesboy assumes are unwed parents--the shame) upstairs via elevator. Well, the elevator is "new" and thus they get off to a rocky start. Fortunately, the trio makes it upstairs to fetch said "little baby blankets" (I'm not kidding, that's what they were addressed as), and Lucy, in her UTTER STUPIDITY, is trying to force her brother Matt to buy a cheap wedding ring to wear out of the store. Now it's at this point that I want to shake my TV. What the hell? WHO CARES ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MARRIED? He's her damn BROTHER!!! I guess this is the moral part ofthe story where kids learn that babies born out of wedlock--even if it just appears that way--are doomed to burn in a fiery hell where only little bastards melt in the steadily licking flames of illegitimacy while other, REAL children frolic and play tag in a heavenly playground made of cotton candy and puppy dogs. UGH.

Alright, so it's time to head back down to the cash register (upon urgent urging from Matt [ha! you likey the alliteration?], who has been a mere pawn in this plan to remove Lucy from the house so a whole slew of elderly shower guests could file into the Camden home to shower her with 14 boxes of diapers, 2 bassinets, 9 baby jumpers, and so on.) Well, needless to say, all this wedding ring shopping (please note that the jewelry counter is located 4 feet from the "little baby blanket" display) is eating precious time, and Matt knows this. He tries to usher Lucy into the elevator, which finally works BECAUSE HER WATER BREAKS.

Suddenly that faux wedding ring ain't so important, is it bitch?!! So, now they're trapped in a fucking elevator, and they can't reach the family, shower guests are getting antsy, and OH YEAH, A KID IS GONNA POP OUT IN ANY SECOND. Not really--I mean, how many first time moms give birth within an hour of contractions starting? Now I know I've never done this, and therefore my opinion is not qualified by experience, but my research tells me that THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. She sure as hell did NOT experience hours and hours of excruciating pain to PLOP OUT effortlessly a 3 MONTH OLD BABY, 'cause that's what she was holding when she WALKED OUT of the elevator. (Yes, WALKED OUT. You read correctly.) Conveniently, the entire department store (do they not have Babies R Us in Camden land?) has gathered around the elevator, along with the whole Camden clan, waiting silently for the birth of bastard child. Well, we hear NO screaming or urgently yelled directions from Matt the med student brother/baby deliverer, the dad Kevin (who got there just in time), or the paramedic staff on hand. Suddenly, without warning, A BABY CRIES. Two minutes later, the happy family emerges from the elevator (suddenly, they can open the damn thing). No one is messy, bloody or EVEN SWEATY. Even the damn baby is already CLOTHED. What the hell?!

Anywho, dear friends, I hope you've enjoyed this posting enough to NEVER EVER WATCH 7TH HEAVEN. I even left some of the story out of my retelling because I simply could not bear to expose your pristine psyches to such dog shit. You'll thank me later!!!

Wait, you must tell us how it ended! Were they able to get the sacred baby blankets? What about the wedding rings? What did they do with the placenta? Were any of them covered in blood or feces, because if they weren't then that blows any credibility this plot could have hoped to establish.
I went to high school with a guy that's on that show.
Ooooh, 7th Heaven is soooooo infuriating: it IS a massive train-wreck and pretty much has been forever. But I do like to watch it sometimes because, hey, free train wreck. The reviews on televisionwithoutpity.com are hilarious.
And GEORGE!, who?

Also, meant to say I LOVED the post.
Kyle Searles is the guy I went to school with. I guess it was just Elementary and Middle School.
"REAL children frolic and play tag in a heavenly playground made of cotton candy and puppy dogs."

I don't know what the big deal about getting into heaven is. Heaven isn't such a great place. You try living in a place where there is a good chance you will fall into a pit cleverly hidden by some cotton candy. Plus, the puppy dogs they made the place of do start to stink after a while.

"PLOP OUT effortlessly a 3 MONTH OLD BABY, 'cause that's what she was holding when she WALKED OUT"

Kids sure do grow up fast nowadays.
Spank you very much Shiz! I wanted my inaugural post to be special. My heart and ass are warmed by your kind comment, and boy do I agree about the train wreck thing. I actually vomited a little in my mouth while watching....
please refeain from bringing your GERD into this discussion.
Dude I'm so totally with you. I hadn't seen that damn show for like, four years, but I tuned in to see Lucy have her baby and it was THE LAMEST THING EVER (even by 7th Heaven standards). And what was with the ladies from the church moving all the furniture around in the Camden's house? WTF? And it's bad enough that the writers decided to have Lucy give birth in an elevator, but did they really feel the need to FORESHADOW the event with the "oops we're on the elevator but it's acting up but THAT doesn't mean anything *wink wink*" scene?!?!

I still watched the whole episode though. Yeah, I have no free will.
WORD, Miranda. I hear you. That scene was rather gratuitious, though my favorite part was...well, actually I DON'T have a favorite part. That show was total shit. :)
wait...what's the baby's name? we neeeeeed to know!
oh my GOSH!!! i downloaded the show last night, and just watched the end because of your post! its frickin AWESOME! this made me smile/laugh more than ANYTHING else all day long!
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