7th Heaven it Ain't
Well, in this episode, our beloved LUCY is going to give birth to her first child. And no, it can't happen in a hospital or even in one of those yucky birthing tubs in the presence of a rastafarian midwife. Nope. Lucy's gonna have her baby IN AN ELEVATOR. That, my friends, is cinematic greatness. Well, you ask, how the hell does a 9-months pregnant woman get trapped in an elevator? Long story short: Lucy is on bed rest and perpetually whining that she can't have showers or go buy shit for the kid herself, so first her husband (Kevin, apparently a cop) chides her like Ricky Ricardo might his wife Lucy, about staying in bed,while her brother (Matt, apparently a medical student) pops in about 2.8 seconds after Kevin leaves, offering to take Lucy shopping. Can we all see what's coming here? I mean, seriously, even a retarded 4th grader could follow this shit.
So, Matt takes Lucy to the department store, all the while hunting "little baby blankets," which, conveniently, are NOT LOCATED on the first floor WITH EVERY OTHER BABY ITEM KNOWN TO MAN. So, the kind (yet armed with a biting wit and a handsome department-store issue vest) salesman takes the couple (which, since neither are wearing wedding rings, salesboy assumes are unwed parents--the shame) upstairs via elevator. Well, the elevator is "new" and thus they get off to a rocky start. Fortunately, the trio makes it upstairs to fetch said "little baby blankets" (I'm not kidding, that's what they were addressed as), and Lucy, in her UTTER STUPIDITY, is trying to force her brother Matt to buy a cheap wedding ring to wear out of the store. Now it's at this point that I want to shake my TV. What the hell? WHO CARES ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MARRIED? He's her damn BROTHER!!! I guess this is the moral part ofthe story where kids learn that babies born out of wedlock--even if it just appears that way--are doomed to burn in a fiery hell where only little bastards melt in the steadily licking flames of illegitimacy while other, REAL children frolic and play tag in a heavenly playground made of cotton candy and puppy dogs. UGH.
Alright, so it's time to head back down to the cash register (upon urgent urging from Matt [ha! you likey the alliteration?], who has been a mere pawn in this plan to remove Lucy from the house so a whole slew of elderly shower guests could file into the Camden home to shower her with 14 boxes of diapers, 2 bassinets, 9 baby jumpers, and so on.) Well, needless to say, all this wedding ring shopping (please note that the jewelry counter is located 4 feet from the "little baby blanket" display) is eating precious time, and Matt knows this. He tries to usher Lucy into the elevator, which finally works BECAUSE HER WATER BREAKS.
Suddenly that faux wedding ring ain't so important, is it bitch?!! So, now they're trapped in a fucking elevator, and they can't reach the family, shower guests are getting antsy, and OH YEAH, A KID IS GONNA POP OUT IN ANY SECOND. Not really--I mean, how many first time moms give birth within an hour of contractions starting? Now I know I've never done this, and therefore my opinion is not qualified by experience, but my research tells me that THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. She sure as hell did NOT experience hours and hours of excruciating pain to PLOP OUT effortlessly a 3 MONTH OLD BABY, 'cause that's what she was holding when she WALKED OUT of the elevator. (Yes, WALKED OUT. You read correctly.) Conveniently, the entire department store (do they not have Babies R Us in Camden land?) has gathered around the elevator, along with the whole Camden clan, waiting silently for the birth of bastard child. Well, we hear NO screaming or urgently yelled directions from Matt the med student brother/baby deliverer, the dad Kevin (who got there just in time), or the paramedic staff on hand. Suddenly, without warning, A BABY CRIES. Two minutes later, the happy family emerges from the elevator (suddenly, they can open the damn thing). No one is messy, bloody or EVEN SWEATY. Even the damn baby is already CLOTHED. What the hell?!
Anywho, dear friends, I hope you've enjoyed this posting enough to NEVER EVER WATCH 7TH HEAVEN. I even left some of the story out of my retelling because I simply could not bear to expose your pristine psyches to such dog shit. You'll thank me later!!!
I don't know what the big deal about getting into heaven is. Heaven isn't such a great place. You try living in a place where there is a good chance you will fall into a pit cleverly hidden by some cotton candy. Plus, the puppy dogs they made the place of do start to stink after a while.
"PLOP OUT effortlessly a 3 MONTH OLD BABY, 'cause that's what she was holding when she WALKED OUT"
Kids sure do grow up fast nowadays.
I still watched the whole episode though. Yeah, I have no free will.