1.20.2005

Ten reasons why Alex P. Keaton should be my financial advisor

1. The fact that I just spent $400 on an outfit for SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING
2. The fact that I bought a digital camera AND an iBook IN THE SAME WEEK
3. The fact that I am one of those people who will buy something useless JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A COUPON
4. The fact that I bought a brand new car before I even had A BED TO SLEEP ON
5. The fact that I spend approximately $219.64 on sushi EVERY MONTH
6. The fact that I am an ebay addict, as evidenced by my dust-covered JACK LALANNE JUICER, LATERAL THIGH TRAINER and THIS:
7. The fact that my sickly cat cost me a whopping $500, not to mention all of his pricey OPTHALMOLOGIST VISITS
8. The fact that I still owe several TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars for my college education
9. The fact that I am the biggest infomercial junkie you will EVER MEET
10. The fact that Marty McFly was SUPER FUCKING McFLY

Looking back on 2004, I see the gargantuan number that represents my gross earnings for the year and think to myself, "Who the fuck has been stealing my paychecks?" Then I start thinking about one particular menacing bitch and how she always pierces me with her hateful stares and how I also suspect her of stealing my baby carrots that one time. Then I remember that I have direct deposit so it must be one of those shady bank employees.

Sadly, I have no one to blame but myself for my pathetic financial situation. It would be different if I had like, tons of really dope shit to show for it. But all I really have is a MINI Cooper and a cycloptic cat. I guess my MINI is pretty dope but the cat and his chronic opthalmic drainage do not always live up to their hefty price tag. Not to mention the green snot on my duvet cover, which was NOT part of the contract. What a jip. I feel like I just bought some defunct prescription pharmaceuticals from the internet. Oh wait, actually I've done that, too.

What I really need is a sponsor or something, like in AA. Someone to tell me, "Listen. My Little Ponies have not been cool for a couple of decades so do you REALLY think it's a good idea to buy that checkbook cover?" I must have seriously damaged the part of my brain that doles out common sense. Don't ever let anybody tell you that binge drinking is harmless.

I buy so much useless shit that I've run out of places to put it all. I have at least 5 unopened boxes containing GOD KNOWS WHAT that I bought on ebay. EBAY! Sometimes I even do a little tap dance in my living room and sing the chorus of, "Do You Know the Way to Use Ebay?" But only the chorus because I'm not COMPLETELY mental. I do, however, have to actually put forth effort to not browse around ebay every single day, otherwise the UPS man would start getting REALLY suspcious. I've already spent the past 18 months trying to clear up those bogus accusations from the INS (as if I would try to smuggle Cuban infants into the country without even poking air holes in the box), so the last thing I need is to be suspected of running an international amphetamine and/or swiss army knife operation.

Then there's my poor decision making when it comes to the mall. Any mall. Well, any mall with a Banana Republic that sells TANK TOPS FOR $68. That's right, a tank top who's price tag EQUALS MY GRANDMOTHER'S AGE. But I can't resist the tank top. ANY TANK TOP. Neveryoumind that the same exact tank top costs $13 at Target. Neveryoumind that I probably OWN that same exact tank top from Target. Neveryoumind that I have six tank tops in that same exact color already. It just doesn't matter people because I want THIS TANK TOP. $68.00 later, I'm wondering what's so fucking special about this ugly ass tank top. For that kind of money, it should make my boobs look huge or at LEAST come with a wicked temporary tattoo.

So I'm thinking that I'll try explaining this to the computer illiterate H&R Block employee who pretends like they know how to do my taxes. I'll say, "Listen you little old man trying to earn some extra money on top of your Social Security fortune by typing FIVE WORDS PER MINUTE, I might look rich on this here paper but I'm really quite poor. Do you see this $68.00 tank top I'm wearing? Well I bought it in JANUARY even though I don't even have a winter coat because I possess the cognitive capacity of an eight year old who ran out of Ritalin last week so hurry up and press the key that's going to get me a really fat refund. Try Shift-4 a few times."

I'm also considering lodging my grievances with the IRS for raping me of $15,000.00 this year. I figure I'll try making them a reasonable offer that they can't refuse. Something like, "If you give me my money back, I promise to spend it all in one weekend on a heroine binge in Vegas". If that doesn't work, I'll try anthrax. My last resort will be Paris Hilton. If I can just get her to show them her boobs (no, wait, she doesn't have any...) ok her ass (nope, none of that either...) ok her ENORMOUS, MAN-SIZED FEET, then maybe I can scare them into giving me that money.

Bottom line kids, stay away from internet auction sites and chicks with feet bigger than King Kong. Both will likely take you for all of your money and leave you lying on the floor of the local Jack-In-The-Box restroom in a pool of your own vomit wondering what new lows you might have just stooped to.

Can I borrow a dollar from someone?

Comments:
Guffaw!
 
This is the story of my life as well! I am the person who gets paid on a Friday, and by Monday I'm already thinking, "How the fuck am I going to live for the next 11 days?" I've been out of college for three years. I thought by this point I'd be in control of my finances, mature enough to budget, and making hella cash to support my impulsive shopping habit. Forget it. Paycheck-to-paycheck for life, BABY!!
 
I got a refund check for 900 dollars for not using health insurance at my summer job, and what do I do? Pay off my credit cards? No. BUY A NEW FREAKING TV HELL YEA BITCHES!
 
My god, we have the same financial habits. I also have trouble remembering to pay my bills when I have the money sometimes because I am a space cadet when it comes to cash. Tho, I have weened myself off eBay and replaced it with blogging. Shite. But it is cheaper.
 
all that cash spent and not a thai hooker in site!? shame on you
 
Re your last response yesterday, it's "the error _of_ my ways," not "the error _in_ my ways." Stop spending money and work on your grammar.
 
In reference to "Anonymous"....Aren't blog haters dreadful? I had one last week, much like a virus that just won't go away, and all the effort they put into hating on me didn't make me change my ways for one second. Too bad the haters waste minutes of their life typing shit to people they'll never meet, and they can NEVER GET THOSE MINUTES BACK. Go wack off instead of using your fingers to make smartass comments that you feel make you "the bigger person". Blegh!
 
...and while you're at it, learn to spell. Heroin doesn't have an "e" at the end.
 
I assumed the lovely spoonleg was about to go on a lesbian stripper muff-diving binge in Vegas.

People only criticize others out of the habit of criticizing themselves. No other reason. I swear it is true.

You know the funniest part, I laughed at loud at what a life you must not have, anonymous. But it passed. The self hatred you must carry around with you. Oh well. That's the thing bout being anonymous. Nobody cares.
 
:) Call me ignorant, I don't know so much about heroin. Or MAYBE I was speaking of Girl.A and HDL, who are indeed my heroines and can join me in a muff-diving binge to Vegas if they so desire.
 
not the same ANONYMOUS, I promise---

I love this one! so glad you all started blogging! What else would I do with my time, anyway?

oh yeah- laundry, cooking, feeding children......oops!

Cristin
 
I'm all about the muff-diving as long as it's Mom Bush. Just kidding. Girl A - great commentary on "Anonymous" equals "nobody cares". Great stuff.
 
buy my stuff on ebay spoonie! item# 5746052456
 
I want to go to Vegas too! Puh-leeeeese!
 
I know you're nurse and all that bidness, but have you thought about writing a book? You're hilarious.
 
Chickadoodee, would you buy my book? Because I'll write one just for you. I'll call it "Do You Know the Muffin Man?" Oh, wait. I think that one's taken.
 
Spoonleg no no Spoonman ahh crap how does that song go.
Anyways Spoonleg you are hilarious and I suffer from the same disease!
 
i think this post is a little old.. i couldn't resist the title.

anyway, as a no-tits and no-ass white girl living in latina la-la land, i have to say -> BE KIND!
 
Paris? Is that you?
 
Hi thanks for your blog, I liked it! I also have a blog/site about credit cards for bad credit that covers credit cards for bad credit related stuff. Please feel free to visit.
 
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