Ten reasons why Alex P. Keaton should be my financial advisor
2. The fact that I bought a digital camera AND an iBook IN THE SAME WEEK
3. The fact that I am one of those people who will buy something useless JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A COUPON
4. The fact that I bought a brand new car before I even had A BED TO SLEEP ON
5. The fact that I spend approximately $219.64 on sushi EVERY MONTH
6. The fact that I am an ebay addict, as evidenced by my dust-covered JACK LALANNE JUICER, LATERAL THIGH TRAINER and THIS:
7. The fact that my sickly cat cost me a whopping $500, not to mention all of his pricey OPTHALMOLOGIST VISITS
8. The fact that I still owe several TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars for my college education
9. The fact that I am the biggest infomercial junkie you will EVER MEET
10. The fact that Marty McFly was SUPER FUCKING McFLY
Looking back on 2004, I see the gargantuan number that represents my gross earnings for the year and think to myself, "Who the fuck has been stealing my paychecks?" Then I start thinking about one particular menacing bitch and how she always pierces me with her hateful stares and how I also suspect her of stealing my baby carrots that one time. Then I remember that I have direct deposit so it must be one of those shady bank employees.
Sadly, I have no one to blame but myself for my pathetic financial situation. It would be different if I had like, tons of really dope shit to show for it. But all I really have is a MINI Cooper and a cycloptic cat. I guess my MINI is pretty dope but the cat and his chronic opthalmic drainage do not always live up to their hefty price tag. Not to mention the green snot on my duvet cover, which was NOT part of the contract. What a jip. I feel like I just bought some defunct prescription pharmaceuticals from the internet. Oh wait, actually I've done that, too.
What I really need is a sponsor or something, like in AA. Someone to tell me, "Listen. My Little Ponies have not been cool for a couple of decades so do you REALLY think it's a good idea to buy that checkbook cover?" I must have seriously damaged the part of my brain that doles out common sense. Don't ever let anybody tell you that binge drinking is harmless.
I buy so much useless shit that I've run out of places to put it all. I have at least 5 unopened boxes containing GOD KNOWS WHAT that I bought on ebay. EBAY! Sometimes I even do a little tap dance in my living room and sing the chorus of, "Do You Know the Way to Use Ebay?" But only the chorus because I'm not COMPLETELY mental. I do, however, have to actually put forth effort to not browse around ebay every single day, otherwise the UPS man would start getting REALLY suspcious. I've already spent the past 18 months trying to clear up those bogus accusations from the INS (as if I would try to smuggle Cuban infants into the country without even poking air holes in the box), so the last thing I need is to be suspected of running an international amphetamine and/or swiss army knife operation.
Then there's my poor decision making when it comes to the mall. Any mall. Well, any mall with a Banana Republic that sells TANK TOPS FOR $68. That's right, a tank top who's price tag EQUALS MY GRANDMOTHER'S AGE. But I can't resist the tank top. ANY TANK TOP. Neveryoumind that the same exact tank top costs $13 at Target. Neveryoumind that I probably OWN that same exact tank top from Target. Neveryoumind that I have six tank tops in that same exact color already. It just doesn't matter people because I want THIS TANK TOP. $68.00 later, I'm wondering what's so fucking special about this ugly ass tank top. For that kind of money, it should make my boobs look huge or at LEAST come with a wicked temporary tattoo.
So I'm thinking that I'll try explaining this to the computer illiterate H&R Block employee who pretends like they know how to do my taxes. I'll say, "Listen you little old man trying to earn some extra money on top of your Social Security fortune by typing FIVE WORDS PER MINUTE, I might look rich on this here paper but I'm really quite poor. Do you see this $68.00 tank top I'm wearing? Well I bought it in JANUARY even though I don't even have a winter coat because I possess the cognitive capacity of an eight year old who ran out of Ritalin last week so hurry up and press the key that's going to get me a really fat refund. Try Shift-4 a few times."
I'm also considering lodging my grievances with the IRS for raping me of $15,000.00 this year. I figure I'll try making them a reasonable offer that they can't refuse. Something like, "If you give me my money back, I promise to spend it all in one weekend on a heroine binge in Vegas". If that doesn't work, I'll try anthrax. My last resort will be Paris Hilton. If I can just get her to show them her boobs (no, wait, she doesn't have any...) ok her ass (nope, none of that either...) ok her ENORMOUS, MAN-SIZED FEET, then maybe I can scare them into giving me that money.
Bottom line kids, stay away from internet auction sites and chicks with feet bigger than King Kong. Both will likely take you for all of your money and leave you lying on the floor of the local Jack-In-The-Box restroom in a pool of your own vomit wondering what new lows you might have just stooped to.
Can I borrow a dollar from someone?
People only criticize others out of the habit of criticizing themselves. No other reason. I swear it is true.
You know the funniest part, I laughed at loud at what a life you must not have, anonymous. But it passed. The self hatred you must carry around with you. Oh well. That's the thing bout being anonymous. Nobody cares.
I love this one! so glad you all started blogging! What else would I do with my time, anyway?
oh yeah- laundry, cooking, feeding children......oops!
Anyways Spoonleg you are hilarious and I suffer from the same disease!
anyway, as a no-tits and no-ass white girl living in latina la-la land, i have to say -> BE KIND!