1.30.2005

Tight, White, and Looking for Love.


Wowie wow wow wow, would ya look at that package?

This little hottie featured in Sunday's JC Penny's ad is obviously the highest paid and most desirable of all department store supermodels, despite stiff competition from all those mannequins in swimwear (Achtung, rimshot!) If you view the actual advertisement, you will see the tiny postscript notation just below those hairy, quivering, finely sculpted thighs. It reads:
"BETTER BECAUSE NO TAGS * NO ODOR * NO SHRINKING * NO TWISTING * NO YELLOWING". Except, the ad is not exactly clear on what is really for sale and what, specifically, is not going to stink, shrink, kink, or tragically resemble the haircolor of that fag from 'NSync.

For future reference, absence of odor and yellowing are at the top of my list when it comes to prerequisites for sexual companionship. In fact, if you've got pigmentation going on below the belt that can be characterized as anything other than FLESH COLORED, I'm going to recommend that you get the fuck out of my bed and seek medical treatment, STAT. Then I'm going to call your mom, your church Pastor, your parole officer and the producers of Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

But no shrinking? How can they eliminate the shrinkage? Is there some kind of temperature controlled plastic sheath that keeps one's bangers 'n mash all toasty warm and insulated? What is it made of? Fiberglass? Reynold's wrap? Or perhaps the ever-versatile Performance Fleece? Can I write a cogent paragraph composed entirely of questions? Is Mr. T my bitch?

This guy has definitely got it going on, and I must conclude that the lack of tag, odor, shrinking and yellowing really does make him better than the rest. I find myself wanting to run out to the store and purchase him; but at the bargain basement price of $11.25, he's probably already been snatched up by some lonely housewife with an odiferous, yellow-wankered husband.

As for the twisting... well, methinks that might actually come in handy some day because as you may or may not know, I enjoy playing a little Tentpole Twister in my spare time.


Comments:
"My eyes, my eyes!" *rapidly scrolling down*
"Ahhh, much better. No dude-view."
What's your Tentpole Twister win/lose/tie record? Inquiring minds want to know.
 
Oooooh, and I wonder if it comes in different sizes????!!!!
 
Mr. T is *totally* your bitch.

-Caroline-
 
Wow.....And here I was thinking that I look fine the way I am. Tomorrow, the tighty whities are making a comeback, and I'm going to see if I remember how to do a situp. For the time being, I'm going to cry into a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
 
All I'm saying is I hope the model WAS cold when that was snapped, color me unimpressed. MMKay
 
That comeback will go over about as well as Cher's did. Now please, give me back my Victoria's Secret catalog before you go off and draw more skeletons over the model's faces or fetuses dangling from their open legs. That wasn't funny.
 
This aint no Whitey Bulger.

Well, hell tho maybe he is a GROWER and not a SHOWER. Surprises can be good. I have to say it's a let-down when a guy is hung like a horse and when he gets his groove on, it's just a hard version of the same sausage.

On the other hand, some surprises can be very very very bad. Like the corkscrew-shaped cork.
 
ew. yellow shrinking man parts


twisteduterus/dag
 
Tentpole Twister. Bwwaaaahahahahahhahaha. Snort.
 
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