2.08.2005

Hey, Wait, I've Got a New Complaint.

PAP SMEARS.

There is nothing I hate worse than that yearly visit to the OBGYN. My palms literally sweat, I get so nervous. My cooch would probably sweat, too, if that were possible. Is that possible? Nevermind, we can discuss it later.

Thanks to Eve, that fruit thieving bitch, all of woman-kind have been cursed with uncomfortable menstrual bleeding requiring the use of products bearing alarming names such as THE DIVA CUP, LUNA PANTIES, PLEASURE PUSS MENSTRUAL WEAR, and GLAD RAGS. But that's not the worst part of our curse. After decades of suffering through thousands of rags that FOR THE LOVE OF PETE ARE NOT GLAD, we have to endure the unfathomable pain of childbirth. Not to mention the 18-year-long purgatory of raising Satan's demon spawn, otherwise known as your kid. But even if your birthing experience was filled with pain and placentas and episiotomies, the curse still has not loosened it's sharp and bony death grip from around your ovaries. Oh no my friends, because year after year, for the rest of your life, you must endure the torture of... THE SPECULUM. There's just no escape from it's cold, hard, metallic, snapping jaws. It gives me nightmares and an unhealthy fear of salad tongs.

Why I pay a middle-aged black woman wearing way too many red accessories to touch me in my Pleasure Pinnacle is a complete mystery. Should I be offended that nobody told her she's a) too old and b) too rich to be shopping at T.J. Maxx? Dude, you inspect vaginas and snatch babies from them FOR A LIVING. And coming from someone who's vagina you've recently inspected, I feel as if I can be honest with you and say that I find your red headband, red necklace, red earrings, red bracelets, red belt, red ring and red fingernails to be ever-so-slightly distracting. DEAR GOD, I just thought of something. What if she wore that sasquatch of a ring while "examining" me?! She probably ripped me a new urethral meatus.

So anyway, there I am, lying completely naked in the harsh fluorescent lighting of the exam room waiting to be violated, thinking to myself, "Oh my God look at my thighs. She's going see my thighs. They look like cottage cheese, how gross. Is it cold in here? Did I shave today? I wonder if she knows when people make 'special accommodations' down below just for her. Should I have made special accommodations? No, it would just go to waste; she could care less. Besides, I'm sure she's seen worse. Should I take off my socks? Leave them on? Which are cleaner- my feet or my socks? Socks, definitely socks. Jeez, I'm all sweaty and shivering and nervous like a virgin on prom night. Oh, look, they use KY, that's cool. What should I have for lunch? Chick-fil-A? Oh yeah, I have that salad in the fridge. I wonder if they'll warm up the speculum before shoving it in there. Damn, she's delivered some ugly ass babies. Why do they only hang up pictures of the ugly ones? When do Girl Scout cookies go on sale? I need some Thin Mints." et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

When she finally came in, she of course DID look at my thighs (DAMMIT!) and also noticed the enormous monstrosity of a bruise forming on my inner left thigh. I knew she would see that, how could she not? It covers 2/3 of my lower body and is sprouting several coconut-sized knots in a lovely medley of fall colors. I think I can even feel some teeth starting to form under there. Last week at work I performed a sort of quasi-amputation of my left leg when I pummeled my thigh into the corner of an open filing cabinet while traveling roughly at the speed of light. The impact was so severe that I could feel it in my toes. The point-of-contact turned ghost white and formed a boulder-sized knot, while the surrounding tissue morphed into a red and purple Lava Lamp before my very eyes. Groovy.

So as a result, my leg is now a shriveled, blackened and useless appendage dangling from my hip-socket. It's not so noticeable with clothes on, but I was NAKED, people. So she noticed. Of course I try to play it off, like "Oh, that old thing? Hahaha you'll never believe what happened, it's so crazy. This one time... I, like, ran into something really hard." Of course she eyeballed me suspiciously, because that's her JOB. When she sees unusual bruises in unusual places, she's supposed to ask questions and call the authorities. The thing is, I KNEW she would notice and I was really nervous about what she would think.

As if you haven't heard enough stories about how clumsy I am... there's more. Two years ago at my yearly vaginal violation, the doctor was taking care of her business down below when she suddenly said, "What's this? A bruise?"

Wait a minute, I thought. She's looking at my cervix, isn't she? HOW DID I GET A FUCKING BRUISE ON MY FUCKING CERVIX?

Trying not to panic, I asked her, "Uh, where is there a bruise?"

I won't go into specifics (too late, right?) but suffice it to say that she pointed to a sensitive (non-cervical) area of my puffer where there was-- and I had to take her word on this one-- a bruise. So I was racking my brain for any reason why a bruise would be THERE, because honest to God that general region had not received any bruise-worthy action in some time. So I just stared at her, dumbfounded, like "I have no idea how that got there, doctor." Then she gave me my second surprise of the day and stuck her finger in my junks. Yes, BOTH of my junks. Mmmhmm. Betcha can't top THAT.

As I slowly ambled bow-legged through the parking lot, I suddenly remembered. At work I had been carrying a chair taller and heavier than myself and in the process of trying to achieve the impossible, I had racked myself in the girl-nads with the corner of the chair. I must have blacked out from the pain because I had completely forgotten about it until that moment. But it was too late, she probably documented in my chart that I exhibited the behavioral and physical signs of sexual abuse. Anyway, I didn't really have time to run inside and tell her, because I was too busy trying to control the anal leakage caused by her FINGER PROBING AROUND INSIDE OF A PLACE THAT NO GLOVED FINGER SHOULD GO. (Wait, did I just say that? Me, who sticks my gloved finger in people's asses for a living? Yes, I did. But in all fairness I GIVE MY VICTIMS AMPLE WARNING. Please God, if there's a special place in hell for anal-probers, at least differentiate between the ones who are gentle and considerate from those that hastily and haphazardly jab. Please don't condemn me to the same part of hell as that finger-happy wench.)

I go to a different doctor now, but I know she has my charts and has probably already called the police. "No, officer, I swear I'm just clumsy! I ran into a doorknob! I fell down the stairs!" Do I sound like a battered housewife or what? Ah, well. There will be a special place in hell for her, where red T.J. Maxx accessories will be all the rage for eternity.

Until next year...





Comments:
Dear Spoonleg,

We here at Satan's Big Red Playground have reviewed your request for not being associated with general population of anal probers. It is with regret we must tell you that we feel that grounds for separation are not fully justified based on the following reason:

Associating Satan with Demon Spawn.

If you would like to appeal our review, please send your SSN and $49.95 (cashier's check only, non-refundable) to: Categorization Appeals, Red Zone 5, Lower Earth - along with your documentation and we'll be happy to review the circumstances.

On a personal note, disassociating yourself from your type of people isn't wise when you get down here. It's hard to make friends, you need some common ground from the beginning or you just won't last. Besides, we see potential in your abilities and could possible work something out where we could sub contract you for some probing of our "high maintenance" tenants.

Either that or you and I could have a little fun on the side.

Thank you for your time,
Anal Probe Review, Chapter 0001
Red Zone 5, Lower Earth
 
Ah the quiet humilation of the OBGYN. I think I'd feel better if I could bring my own speculum, like I had some control in the situation. Mine would be light blue, with the words "Crank it, Jab it, I can take it." emblazened on the side.

You are so funny. Thanks for starting my day off on a hysterical note.
 
Your links disturbed me greatly. WHO wants to stick a SEA SPONGE up their Pleasure Pinnicle (thanks for the cool name, btw)?

Seriously though, who, WHO?

Finger Jabbers, perhaps?

-Caroline-
 
Spoon, at least your gyno didn't as much as tell you that your twat is cavernous:

http://tinyurl.com/4utex
 
My husband and I moved last year and I had to find a new Dr. to perform the 'annual'--looking through the 'approved' list to find one that our insurance would cover, I picked a Dr. with the first name of Kaye only b/c I'd only ever gone to female gynos. and I didn't want to change now. Kaye, of course, turned out to be male. Turns out he too thought a rectal exam was necessary.
Ever since I was 17, I've been going out for ice cream after the exam. It's my way of making it a good day.
 
Holy sheep shit that was hilarious. My biggest concern at the OBGYN is farting. Everytime they ram that speculum into my hoo-haa, I have to squeeze my ass together to keep from farting. They must aim it right at my fartsack just to get a laugh....."hee hee...look, she's trying to hold it in! Stick it in a little DEEPER!" Assholes.
 
How timely!! I went to the OBGYN this morning! I hadn't been in over a year and forgot all the crap that runs through your head as you wait to be violated. Very funny.
 
OMG spoonleg--

I get poke and prodded next month and now I can lay there and quietly giggle during said poking and prodding...perhaps that will creep out my doc?

dag/twisteduterus
 
Yeah - the Cooter Physician is not so fun unless you have those doctor fantasies like some people do, so I'm told.

I had a doctor, Ms. Seriouso, who once lectured me because she found part of a dissolved peppermint altoid lodged next to my cervix. She nagged me for 10 minutes about putting "products containing sugars" in my cooter. That was a good thing though, because it meant I didn't have to hear her debriefing on the labia piercings I had got in the 12 months since she last "saw" me.

The next year I wanted to play a joke on her so I stuck one of those valentine candy hearts up there just before she came in to examine me. I actually got a good laugh out of her when she pulled it out and read "Bite Me" outloud.

But damn it if I didn't pay for my arrognace - because as it turns out, putting sugar-based products in the pleasure pinnacle *can* cause a yeast infection.

P.S. Fuck all you complainers who don't have to get the anal probe every time.
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Your PUFFER?! Omg, that's the best one I've heard since.. hmm.. scooter? I'm sorry, but I'm a diver so picture a puffer FISH - you know, cartoonish big eyes, smiley little mouth.. with a bruise..

One more thing - some comedian did a bit about the whole naked-at-the-doc's thing. I love how comedians just have to point out something that is TRUE but that we don't TALK about and it's BAHAHA! funny. Anyway, this one was on about how funny it is that we get undressed... as if seeing our panties is somehow more privacy-invading than seeing all our o'keefian glory. That's not something we ever talk about, but it is TRUE and therefore I died laughing. "I do that! OMG!" Bahaha..
 
Two of my least favorite "women's wellness" expressions:

1. Scoot down.

2. Relax.

No, bitch, I'm pulling back and resisting!
 
Yeah, that was me. Copy_kitty. Don't want to be anonymous, but I'm way too lazy to register.
 
Damn it, I just realized I have an appointment in two months. I'm using the 'No bitch, I'm pulling back and resisting!' line, because my doc ALWAYS says that and it drives me insane.

Also, whoever invented a cold metal expanding device intended to go into coochies should be SHOT. I went to a new doc last year when my regular one was sick and she said 'You may feel a little pressure,' and then RAMS the damn thing open to roughly the size of an average baby's head. Yea, little my ass, she should've said 'Okay, I'm going to stretch your vagina open now like you're giving BIRTH, hang on to the side of the table and bite this tongue depressor.'

Bitch.

-Caroline-
 
Yeah, and when she says, "Relax and let your knees fall open" I start having acid flashbacks of college frat parties.

Girl.A... did she REALLY find a partially dissolved peppermint altoid up there? I know you well enough to think that this might actually be a true statement, and I'm frightenend. You should have told her you wanted to be minty fresh for your exam. I'm sure people have done worse. Like douching. Altering your body's pH with flavored ammonia HAS to be worse than a little old altoid.
 
Nothing worse than the "exam". I get nervous and gassy...I guess if you're gonna be an OBGYN, you take what comes with the territory. I mean, You're poking around in someone's pink taco...there's bound to be some reprocussion, right? I'm a graphic designer...so I'd be insulted and appalled if someone farted in my face...but a gyno?

That's why they get paid the big bucks...that and so they can buy out the clearance accesory bin at Gordmans.

Funny site!

http://wdthablog.blogspot.com/
 
Spoonleg, fortunately or unfortunately - there was an altoid in there. Actually the whole story's true.

Lesson learned: No hanky panky in the wee hours the day before gyno appt. And no more sugar in the sugarpot.
 
I noticed no men were commenting. Not even metro. Think they stopped reading after PAP SMEARS?

-Caroline-
 
Not exactly. We read on, but by the time we were done the combination of shaking from suppressed laughter, intense relief at not experiencing this particular torture, and anxiety for our future (can you say proctologist? I knew you could!) rendered us incapable of typing a comment.
 
Well it is time to de-lurk for me. (and apologies for de-lurking on an old post but I am sure you won't mind, spelunker.) I enjoy all your posts. they are hilarious. How is the co-habitation going? well I hope. My congratulations and well wishes.

For the record I have used the sea pearls sea sponges and they are awesome. The only thing I use. They are so comfortable that the first time I used them I was actually sad for my period to end. I was excited the next month to have it again. Very weird Because I hate the monthly menses but it speaks well for this awesome product.

dshumate atopenmindsharedotcom
 
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