6.02.2005

Yes, Internet, You Have An Unhealthy Obsession With My Breasts.

I was tag teamed by two sexy blog sluts at once, and boy did I like it. They used their feminine wiles to convince me to divulge my deepest, darkest secrets on the 'net. Hide the women and children, because here comes Spoonleg In Living Color:

Fullofit's questions:
1. Do you want Kam to be your baby daddy?
Assuming that Heath Ledger, Jakob Dylan and Brad Pitt are all unavailable for Baby Daddyhood in the near future, the answer would have to be yes. However, there are several reasons why the prospect of Kam fathering my child(ren) alarms me. Let me share them with you now.
a) The only comestible items that ever grace the threshold of Kam's fridge are Papa John's pizza, a six pack of MGD, and the occasional Uncle Ben's Rice Bowl. I'm not certain, but I have the feeling that an infant might find it difficult to gum down a dried shriveled slice of barbecue chicken pizza that's been in the fridge longer than said infant has been alive.
b) Kam will surely teach our child(ren) to imitate Corky from Life Goes On in the most inappropriate of public situations (As if there are any public situations in which imitating Corky from Life Goes On IS appropriate? Okay, maybe when placing an order at the Starbuck's drive thru but that's about it.)
c) Our child(ren) will master the artful skill of playing Madden on X-Box before they learn to read, write or wipe their own asses.
d) Kam will insist that our child(ren) be decked out in Texans, Astros and Rockets gear 24/7, which I'm not sure I can handle considering how badly all of these teams suck. Call me a snob, but I just don't want my kids to be under the mistaken impression that it's okay to be a loser.
2. If you could change professions----would you? Or do you particularly love spelunking for poo?
Realistically speaking, no I would probably not want to change professions. If the alternative to spelunking for poo is having some lame ass boring 9-5 desk job, I'll take poo. However if we're speaking fantasy jobs, I'd give up spelunking in a heartbeat to be a writer for SNL or a professional Horse Whisperer.
3. Do you find it ironic that you drive a Mini, but your boobs are.....well....not so mini?
No. They make fantastic airbags and, in a pinch, can easily double as flotation devices.
4. Would you risk taking your own life or that of a fellow jogger if you went running sans sports bra?
First of all, let's get something straight. Spoonleg doesn't "go running". Ever. You couldn't coerce me to run across my own living room if you dangled a dozen chocolate covered Krispy Kreme donuts in front of my face. You couldn't get me to run from my car to the sidewalk if a flaming meteor the size of Kentucky was careening towards me at the speed of light. What's that you say? There's a small child and his puppy sinking into a deadly pit of quicksand at an alarmingly fast rate? Let me take my time WALKING over there to see about them. It's really for the safety of everyone involved that I DON'T run. If you witnessed the carnage that would ensue as a result of my running and somehow lived through the experience, you'd probably gouge your own eyes out just to erase the heinous image that had scorched itself onto your retinas. That being said, it's also a hazard to the American public for someone like me to do ANYTHING, let alone RUN, without a bra on. I learned that lesson the hard way; now the local pizza place won't deliver to my house anymore.
5. When your mom gets drunk, does she tell you repeatedly that she loves you?
No, my mom is a mean and violent drunk. Remind me one day to tell the story of how she gave my little brother, her only son, a fat bloody lip one Thanksgiving. When she's drunk, my mom likes to reminisce on what horrid, disrespectful, and ungrateful heathens she's raised. Then she likes to talk about herself and what a stellar mother she's been and dear Lord what has she done to deserve this? My dad is the one who gets sentimental and lovey-dovey when he's drunk. I have saved countless voice messages from my father left at 2 am after a night imbibing Wild Turkey and vodka martinis in which he tells me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. Throw in a few shots of tequila and I can even get him to admit that I'm his favorite child. He's also good for at least $20 bucks when he's sloshed. It's times like these when my siblings and I milk our dad for all he's worth. "We love you too, dad. Can we go on a cruise next summer?"
6. What's the most embarrassing thing you own?
The complete Veggietales home video collection, not to mention countless other Veggietales memorabilia. I can't help it, I love my lips! USTA!

HDL's questions:
1. Have you ever gagged while spelunking for poo?
No. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only sight/smell that sufficiently grossed me out to the point of dry heaving and left me sobbing in a corner, whimpering and sucking my thumb, was witnessing a vaginal birth. All you single and/or childless ladies out there had better get your noseplugs ready, because you have NO IDEA what you're in store for. This is Real Life, they don't show this stuff on fucking TLC. POO IS LIKE A FRAGRANT BUNCH OF LILIES COMPARED TO WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR PREGNANT BODY AFTER ITS SPENT NINE LONG MONTHS ROTTING AND DECOMPOSING INSIDE OF YOU. It's a mystery to me how babies can smell so good after spending so much time cooped up with that rank ass shit.
2. What was the first CD or tape that you bought yourself?
The first tape I ever bought myself was Michael Jackson's Thriller. Dost thou doubt my devotion to MJ? I think my first CD was Rod Stewart, but I didn't buy it for myself, that one was courtesy of Grandpa Don. You can't mess with the Maggie May.
3. What is your least favorite household chore and why?
Okay, Megan, I thought we were friends. You should know by now that I DO NOT clean. I hate it. I would rather systematically slice off my own fingers and toes than clean. If you could see what my apartment looks like right now, you'd vomit all over yourself. But if I had to PICK a chore that I hate most, it would have to be dusting and vacuuming. As a kid I was forced to do these things and I HATED it. I'd rather scrub a scummy, shit-crusted toilet with my brother's toothbrush than dust a bunch of stupid knick knacks.
4. If you weren't a nurse, what would you be?
Your mama. (Seriously, she's pretty cool.)
5. Are you good at crafty things? What do you make that you're proud to show off? (And no, whoopie doesn't count.)
I'm good at some crafty things, but I get bored easily and give up on anything too challenging or time consuming. I once made an entire quilt with the assistance of an ex-boyfriend's mom, and I show that thing off like it's my first born child. I have recently taken up scrapbooking, but I wouldn't consider myself very good at it just yet. I love making homemade gifts, as lame and cheesy as they sometimes turn out. I am also a badass at coloring and can stay within the lines like a fucking pro. Like WOAH.

I don't feel like making up a bunch of questions with which to annoy my fellow bloggers, so I'm just going to tag my boyfriend. That's the way uh huh uh huh he likes it.

Kam:
1. Do you want to be my baby daddy? Who else besides Natalie "I-went-to-the-same-acting-school-as-Jennifer-Love-Hewitt" Portman would you like to be your baby mama?
2. Why do you insist on making up your own annoying lyrics to that Sixpence None The Richer song from the Ortho Tricyclen commercials? Please share them with the Internet so that they might be equally as annoyed as I.
3. Did your college girlfriend really have DD-sized breasts? Do you have pictures to prove it?
4. How is it that some days you insist on taking 45 minute showers and on others you are perfectly content to take a "sink shower"? And what the hell IS a sink shower, anyway?
5. Your Uncle Peter is a creepy pervert. Can you please tell him to stop staring at my flotation devices?

Comments:
First!!

Don't dress your kids in sports gear 24/7. My niece has the cutest little Miami Dolphins cheerleader outfit. She calls it "the thing that I hate."
 
I think the proper term for a "sink shower" is a mexican shower (Got that from SNL).

And I'm a bad person, because I laughed out loud when you said that Kam would teach your kid to impersonate Corky from Life Goes On. That is just so wrong.
 
I love you, partly for what you said and partly because your boobs are huge....

now email me your address and t-shirt size so I can get the damn MJ shirt out to you :)

oh and my kitty had to get put to sleep. me very sad.
 
damn, blogger don't support email addressess.... skgillespie00@hotmail.com

song.burning-wings.org/blog
 
Awww, SONG! Oscar and I are so very sad for you and your kitty. What was his or her name? We are going to keep you in our feline and human thoughts, what a terrible thing to go through.

Also, I TRIED to email you about the MJ t-shirt thing, but after scouring your blog for an email addy and finding none, I lost all hope. Spanks!

Rina, did you seriously just change your screen name to jomama? I am laughing my ass off over here.

Closet, your niece has the right idea. I would have killed my parents if they ever did that to me.
 
Sounds like Peter's piper wants to peck your pepper...
 
Caroline, it's PICK YOUR PEPPER! Spoon. I'm older than you. You can't be my mama.
 
Caroline-

That is the funniest thing I've heard since the doctor told me I have inoperable dumbassedness.
 
so your dad drinks wild turkey and vodka martinis???


I think your sister was right... he's GOT to be Jamaican.... only those crazy island folk would dare to mix those two together!

yeah. mon!!!! I love you, too!!!
 
Spoon, if your sister believe Kam is a syptomatic retard and you agree with her to some extent, wouldn't that show up in the DNA and what would your babies be like if that were surely the case. could you still "spelunk' with the same fervor knowing that this was what life would come down to? Hoorah for your sister, even though she may be "Mixed" and there is nothing wrong with your "Hooters" they seem to be proportionately where they really ought to be....ED
 
HDL -

IT'S PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS SO GET OFF MY ASS BECAUSE PECK SOUNDS BETTER. YOU AREN'T OLD. SO THERE.
 
Spoon,
You give me ideas about my potential upcoming rebirth on the WWW. It should be quite stinky, non?
 
Talking about stink, let not Megan hear about it, or else she will blow up and never visit this page.
 
Spoon, you NEED a Hey Horn
 
What?? No taa-taa's??
 
MY GOD! WE ARE WAY TOO MUCH ALIKE!!!! And Kam & C would get along fantastically, I'm betting!!! Email me, beeyotch, I don't know if I can wait for HDL to visit before we meet for crawfish & beers!
 
Omigod, I laughed so hard I cried, and then fell off my chair when I read the thing you said about running! I am the exact same damn way!

(I think I might have a crush on you!)
:)
 
Spoon Lady, we don't care about your boy friend and or your mom and Dad although each of them are probably the salt of the earth. We are in fact enamored with your sweet lil sister and the fact that she seems to be a star bayby because she is mixed and you darling lady because of your hoots. You job is a tad strange but hey we all have our strangeness, Kam seems to go more for the Obsession type in all his pictures, but that is not a bad thing, yes we are obssesed with your hoots. Keep placing more pictures on the site and I can't believe you can't play a musical instrument like HDL can, go figure.....ED
 
Ed, Ed, Ed... what's your point? I am not going to post any more pics of my hooters or my little sister for the exact reason that there are creepy people out there (cough cough) who like to stare a little too hard and make comments that are a little too pervy. So in the meantime, if you don't like hearing about my family or my boyfriend or my strange job or my boring life, then try starting a blog of your own that can more adequately service your pedophilic lust for pre-teen girls and boobies. And for the last time... I NEVER CALLED MY BOYFRIEND A RETARD. Say it one more time and I'll kick your ass.
 
Oh, and one more thing. For your information, I CAN play a musical instrument. More than one, in fact. Go figure.
 
USA!USA!USA!
 
I loved this post! Funny lady you are. The sports clothes and the drunken devoted dad... Hah!
 
Oh man, I've been way to absent around these parts of late. For that I apologize.

Spoonie-licious one, you need to get that job at SNL. You damn funny gurl!

Just make sure to toss out the Xbox before the birth.
 
The new masthead is scaring the spelunk out of me! Make it go away!
 
OMG!!! I love the new look!!!

Rawkin' the spelunkage!
 
Scotty Scaredy Pants! Is it really scaring you??

Kristine and Shaun did the new masthead for me (THANKS YOU SEXY BITCHES!) and I like it! That's not my body, fyi... just my head with a lot of photoshop magic!
 
Kristine-

Slick move setting the "home" link to direct to your blog.
 
Here I am making every attempt to get back to the Spooner to apologize to her and her oyfried Kam, and what do I find they cahnged the dame way to get into the blog once again. Or at least it looked like they did, any way for the Spooner and the Kam, I do apologize, I went back and read where you sister actually called him names. Sorry for the confusion, can i keep the names you called me, your my first that has ever decided I was a pervert and I want to keep those word for posterity. Ten-four on the Hooters, no more pics because you think we are getting to the sick level. I do have my own blog and it comes no where close to you or several others I have read. You mst be really good at the "Spoons."
Anyway, there I have given you my heartfelt most sincere apology not only to you and your family but to you oh so kind but thin skinned good buddy. I shall await you kind words in reply.....ED
 
Ed - you remind me of my drunk uncle.

Spoon - love the new look. Kristine works wonders, she fixed mine up to.

Kam - wanna go make out?
 
Does Ed freak anyone else out? Like, I don't want to post my link because I'm scared he might come to my site - do you know this man, Spoon??

P.S. This is your shared alum's wife - does that make sense?
 
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THE NEW SITE! Man, I wish I could do that kinda stuff for me or pay someone nice to do it!
 
Yes, anon, I know who you are.

To answer your questions, no I most certainly DO NOT know Ed and yes, his "posterity" kinda creeps me out a tad.
 
I would never want to be the one who would as you say "Creep anyone out," so I shall just move on down the road and leave well enough alone. It was fun to read what everyone was saying, bye now, have a great life....ED
 
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