Go Ahead Envy Me, I'm Rap's MVP.
The following is a pictoral representation of what two white honkies in Texas tried to do when their culturally savvy Minnesotan friend mailed them several items for which they lacked the cultural knowledge or jerry curl to effectively utilize. Nevertheless, we tried our best to do with these items what we thought would illicit the most laughs and gasps of horror and disbelief. This is our story.
These were some of the items we found when we opened the package that arrived from someone in Minnesota named "Megadeth". Not pictured are the Twins brand peanuts (which, much to my dismay, had nothing to do with the Olsens or even the Doublemints, but rather some lame ass fucking baseball team in Minnesota), a Spongebob sponge, cat toys, many CD's, a post card, a can of fucking carrots, and a diamond studded pair of underwear labeled JUST MARRIED which will not be pictured here because Kam got so creeped out by them that the moment he saw the word MARRIED he tossed them out the window like a toothless Ukranian hooker with genital warts. Though a diamond studded thong was NOT Kam's idea of a good time, a do-rag and bee's wax, on the other hand, were right up his alley. So the fun began.
No, I'm not constipated. I'm trying to look "HARD", like I'm "FROM THE STREETS". This was Kam's mantra throughout the entire photoshoot, that I needed to stop smiling and start acting Gangsta. This is my gangsta face, so you ninjas better quit laughin' or else I'll pull out my nine a leave a couple shells where yo mouf used to be.
After this photo, I left Kam to his own devices with the camera while I went into the bathroom to try to fashion together some semblance of a hair 'do with the "Silky & Jumbo Braid". Now it's only fair that I note here that while the Silky & Jumbo braid was indeed JUMBO, it was in no way silky nor a braid. It was more like an enormous, matted mass of what I seriously think might have at one time been a giant ponytail fashioned from Elvira's pubic hair. It was OUT OF CONTROL. I immediately began questioning the quality of the Silky & Jumbo pubictail when the strands started breaking off and falling all over the place and I even used a few of them as dental floss to successfully remove some popcorn kernels from my molars. I guess that's what you get for buying hair from the dollar store. I should consider myself lucky that I got some coconut flavored dental pubes out of the deal. So as I was struggling with the Elviranesha hair piece, Kam was keeping himself occupied in other ways:
This is where I started to note that Kam was taking this thing a little too seriously.
Like WAY too seriously.
Soon enough he got bored with his do-rag shenanigans and decided to join me in the bathroom where I was fervently trying to attach the hair to my scalp. "You're not doing it right," he announced. "Oh yeah, and how would you know?" I retorted. "Because, T and I went to Braid Experts the other day, and while he was getting his hair did, the ladies at the shop showed me how to do weave."
Yes, my boyfriend actually took time out of his day to LEARN HOW TO "DO" WEAVE. This is disturbing on so many levels. But not quite as disturbing as the hairstyle he eventually gave me which, he declared, is "for the bitches who have big ass fiveheads."
I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, though as Seymore once sang before feeding body parts to giant talking plant, "I have so many strong reservations".
I didn't like my natural hair that much anyway. It'll grow back.
And in the meantime, I can just use this lovely new hair style to cover up the carnage.
This is the end result. You can call me Beyonce, and this is my baby boy Jay-Z.
We're from the streets of H-Town.
I call this one, "The Combover".
Kam calls this one, "Third Coast, Where Ya At?"
It's a thug life, but knowledge is power, yo.
He's a dirty, dirty boy.
I hope you enjoyed. Lord knows we did, and will continue to do so whenever the mood strikes us to engage in some Bobby and Whitney sexual role playing fantasies. You bring the pipe, baby!
*I am sitting here in awe feeling VERY old but becoming considerably wiser.
P.S.-Holla. I got my shit turned back on yessaday.
Love your 'sta face. Love the pics of yo man doin' yo hay-ah.
Awesome. Made my WEdnesday.
The things I go through to read your spelunk, Spoony.
I'm now going to try to think of ways to incorporate "Elvira pubes" and Third Coast" into my conversations. :)
Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray
You try saying no to that. It's just solid reasoning.
Fullofit told me about this last night and I had to check it out.
drop you a note telling you, Friend, how impressed I was with it.
I give you my best wishes for your future endeavors.
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All the best!