7.12.2005

Go Ahead Envy Me, I'm Rap's MVP.

This week I received two pleasant surprises in the mail from fellow bloggers. The first was a series of of items from Home Detention Lady which made me question whether she got really drunk when she went to the post office and confused my package with the one she was simulatenously mailing to Jomama. Not that Jomama would WANT this stuff, but perhaps she might have a better idea of what one should DO with it. The other item came from the lovely Krankipantzen, who sent me a medley of homemade CD's which I have been jamming to while tooling around town in the MINI Cooper (of which she is so fond).

The following is a pictoral representation of what two white honkies in Texas tried to do when their culturally savvy Minnesotan friend mailed them several items for which they lacked the cultural knowledge or jerry curl to effectively utilize. Nevertheless, we tried our best to do with these items what we thought would illicit the most laughs and gasps of horror and disbelief. This is our story.


These were some of the items we found when we opened the package that arrived from someone in Minnesota named "Megadeth". Not pictured are the Twins brand peanuts (which, much to my dismay, had nothing to do with the Olsens or even the Doublemints, but rather some lame ass fucking baseball team in Minnesota), a Spongebob sponge, cat toys, many CD's, a post card, a can of fucking carrots, and a diamond studded pair of underwear labeled JUST MARRIED which will not be pictured here because Kam got so creeped out by them that the moment he saw the word MARRIED he tossed them out the window like a toothless Ukranian hooker with genital warts. Though a diamond studded thong was NOT Kam's idea of a good time, a do-rag and bee's wax, on the other hand, were right up his alley. So the fun began.


No, I'm not constipated. I'm trying to look "HARD", like I'm "FROM THE STREETS". This was Kam's mantra throughout the entire photoshoot, that I needed to stop smiling and start acting Gangsta. This is my gangsta face, so you ninjas better quit laughin' or else I'll pull out my nine a leave a couple shells where yo mouf used to be.

After this photo, I left Kam to his own devices with the camera while I went into the bathroom to try to fashion together some semblance of a hair 'do with the "Silky & Jumbo Braid". Now it's only fair that I note here that while the Silky & Jumbo braid was indeed JUMBO, it was in no way silky nor a braid. It was more like an enormous, matted mass of what I seriously think might have at one time been a giant ponytail fashioned from Elvira's pubic hair. It was OUT OF CONTROL. I immediately began questioning the quality of the Silky & Jumbo pubictail when the strands started breaking off and falling all over the place and I even used a few of them as dental floss to successfully remove some popcorn kernels from my molars. I guess that's what you get for buying hair from the dollar store. I should consider myself lucky that I got some coconut flavored dental pubes out of the deal. So as I was struggling with the Elviranesha hair piece, Kam was keeping himself occupied in other ways:


This is where I started to note that Kam was taking this thing a little too seriously.


Like WAY too seriously.

Soon enough he got bored with his do-rag shenanigans and decided to join me in the bathroom where I was fervently trying to attach the hair to my scalp. "You're not doing it right," he announced. "Oh yeah, and how would you know?" I retorted. "Because, T and I went to Braid Experts the other day, and while he was getting his hair did, the ladies at the shop showed me how to do weave."

WAIT, WHAT?

Yes, my boyfriend actually took time out of his day to LEARN HOW TO "DO" WEAVE. This is disturbing on so many levels. But not quite as disturbing as the hairstyle he eventually gave me which, he declared, is "for the bitches who have big ass fiveheads."


I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, though as Seymore once sang before feeding body parts to giant talking plant, "I have so many strong reservations".


I didn't like my natural hair that much anyway. It'll grow back.


And in the meantime, I can just use this lovely new hair style to cover up the carnage.


This is the end result. You can call me Beyonce, and this is my baby boy Jay-Z.


We're from the streets of H-Town.


I call this one, "The Combover".


Kam calls this one, "Third Coast, Where Ya At?"


It's a thug life, but knowledge is power, yo.


He's a dirty, dirty boy.

I hope you enjoyed. Lord knows we did, and will continue to do so whenever the mood strikes us to engage in some Bobby and Whitney sexual role playing fantasies. You bring the pipe, baby!

Comments:
Oh girl! I recognize that thug you with. I gave it up for that foo in the k-mart parkin' lot in the back of my lincoln navigator. he my baby daddy! tell that punk ass fool to send me his next paycheck. i gosta get my herra did and my nails done. if he don't---i'll bust him up in the grill. i'm not gonna ax you twice.

damn honkey.
 
If you do this shit when you're sober you two should really start taking more pictures when you're drunk.

Fo rizzle.
 
Marit you bitch, you don't need his paycheck because OBVIOUSLY you can get your herra did fo FREE because my man know how to DO WEAVE. So you can have half of his check to get your nails did, but that's it. He don't make too much workin at Popeye's noway.
 
Sheeeyit - that busted ass ignorant man better send ME his paycheck before that trash talkin, no good heifer up there gets the cheddar. He done run my phone bill up FI HUNDRED DOLLAS acceptin' collect calls from all his damn cousins in jail. Mama needs new shoes, and I AIN'T GON' shoppin at NO DAMN PAYLESS. You be hearin' me? I'll slap you 'til you silly, you punk ass motha fucker.
 
I know YOU JUSS DIT-INT. Girl, I'll smack yo teef out. Yo gold teef out. Don't NO HONKEY take my check. He's my Boo. And I'm keepin it real.
 
OH. MY. WORD. HDL, what the hell? I almost fell out of my chair when I saw that shit your sent her. I will love you two girls forever and ever cause you made my day. Oh yeah, and you too Kam. Y'alls some down ass bitches and I'ma hold ya down fo life. One.
 
oh crap when you started calling that Elvira pubes I think I may have just peed a little. Hysterical.
 
Excuuuuuse me, Miss Full O Shit. You ain't nuttin but a pale ass cracka yo damn self. Don't be all hatin' on me, juss cuz I put it on him better than YO skeezy ass ever did. You ain't got no hustle. You just some broke ass gay dog ownin hootchie who ain't got a J.O.B., so you waste yo time dissin' on ME. He's MY MAAAN. Find YO OWN MAN. You bull dagged ass bitch.
 
BOF A YALL betta shut the fuck up, he be MY MAN. Yall just a bunch of dirty ass chicken heads is all. My man aint got no love for you scrub-ettes.
 
Scrub-ettes, HO? You the one in nasty ass scrubs all day, diggin fo poo. You talk shit, you smell like shit, and you be LOOKIN like shit. That man done told me he LEAVIN' YO ASS just as soon as he get his bidniss in order. He jus usin' you fo yo air conditionin anyway. I don't CARE if he ran my phone bill up - that boy is foiiiine and he MINE. I'll knock that stupid ass southern drawl right outta yo mouf, you hood rat.
 
"Son. You got a panty on yer head."
 
Wow. It's like French people. They have a different word for EVERYTHING.

Are you all Faux Bro Ho's?
 
Reading these comments is kinda like watching a tennis match. All the volleys going back and forth. Just minus the grunting.*

*I am sitting here in awe feeling VERY old but becoming considerably wiser.
 
You owe me a new cushion for my computer chair. I done got pee all over it.
 
Awl you ho's is busted bucept fo mines. I brout my shit around Amurca fo a minute, an all you pigeons flew da coop fo one silly ride on the KamSlamaLickenburg Exprezznass. You can sleep in my stable, but don't sit at my table. BITCH!

P.S.-Holla. I got my shit turned back on yessaday.
 
You can haaaavvve dat foo. I ain't waysin no mo of MY damn time on his punk ass. I might slap da shit outta him, but that bout it. Fuck all ya'll.
 
The Third Coast pic is priceless.

I can't stop laughing.
 
Mother of GOD this was twenty nine kinds of funny.

Love your 'sta face. Love the pics of yo man doin' yo hay-ah.

Awesome. Made my WEdnesday.
 
Oh dear god. I peed my pants!
 
you are crackin' my ass up! how do I worm my way into a 2nd meeting with you crazy folk?
 
I was laughing so hard I wet my pants while running to the bathroom (to late!) and just now I had to change into my gym clothes (which are slightly sweaty from yoga today).

The things I go through to read your spelunk, Spoony.

Thanks, everyone.
 
COCONUT FLAVORED DENTAL PUBES? Priceless.

That is all.
 
I read the comments, now, and it seems like there's a serious bladder control problem going around the 'net. Talk to your doctor, they can prescribe you something to stop those frequent urges.
 
too many giggles.

and Amanda's right. Son, get that panty off of your head.
 
It hurts, it hurts...stop...I'm laughing too hard...it hurts. HA!!
 
I love you guys so much! I live in MN and HDL has yet to send me one of her glorious packages. Hmm... What's the deal?
 
CANT...STOP...LAUGHING My sides hurt and my face has frozen into a grotesque clown like smile. I'm going to scare the shit out of my patients today.
 
Love it, love it, love it. Just like everyone else, I'm sitting in a peepuddle and wiping tears off my face. Linked to ya here. Funny, funny shit. Thank you!
 
Perhaps your Jamaican sister could have helped you out...
 
That's the funniest motherfukcing thing I've seen or heard anywhere (not just on the silly internet) in about, oh....FOREVER. Made my day!

I'm now going to try to think of ways to incorporate "Elvira pubes" and Third Coast" into my conversations. :)
 
wow, that looks like way too much fun- I esp. like the part of Kam putting the weave on your head- now that is love. Now your supposed to put his do-rag on for him right?
 
White retardo, in all her glory
 
Fuck me that's brilliant.
 
Is it just me or does the dude on the SATIN NITES package look alot like Tracy Morgan?
 
holy shit that was great.
 
That's supposed to be a woman on the Satin thing. Isn't it?? She DOES look like Tracy Morgan, Kamadingdong, I'll give ya that one.
 
you scare me and thrill me in so many ways
 
Kam is wa-a-a-y too cute to be straight.
 
Oh Oscar Wilde, you know as well as I do that it was only that ONE night in college and kam has regretted it ever since...
 
I only regret not having it all on video.
 
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray


You try saying no to that. It's just solid reasoning.
 
I hope you guys busted out some 2Pac and Snoop Dogg for this escapade! Too funny!

Fullofit told me about this last night and I had to check it out.
 
Holy crap. I'm sure this is exactly what Game and 50 Cent had in mind for that song. Exactly. This is awesome.
 
Nice thong sandal blog. I found this site that has discount lingerie : **SexyBedroomAttire**
 
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