2.27.2006

Resident-Speak

I overheard the following conversation between two young male doctors in the hallway this morning.

Resident #1: "You know what's weird? Today I've had this strong urge to reproduce."

Resident #2: "Oh, really? It's biological."

The scariest part of it is, this was said in complete seriousness. I hastened my pace and got the hell away from those two with a quickness, for fear that one of them might start fervently humping the legs of passers-by. I guess it's true what they say... doctors are a species all their own.

2.23.2006

Weekend Update

I know, I know, I'm four days late. Not THAT kind of "late", thank Christ on a crutch. Late with the weekend update. Late with the pics. Late with regaining my sanity from moving because I STILL DON'T HAVE CABLE OR INTERNET. Honestly though, I never had cable or internet at my old crib either; I commandeered my neighbor's wireless network in order to run my internet porn webring, and the only TV I really watched was scrambled porn which, HELLO, why is that still free? When I grow up I'm gonna start my own Pay Per View channel featuring all scrambled porn, all day. OOOH SPANK ME, DADDY!

[See you might have thought I was rambling senselessly- and I was- but check out this smoooooooth transition]

Speaking of spanking.... there happened to be a lot of that going on last weekend. Now before you get your panties all moist over nothing, rest assured that there wasn't any boudoir butt-smacking going on; we're strictly talking public paddling here. There was more spanking going on last weekend than the first five years of my life, which is saying a lot considering the fact that I still shield my own ass with my hands and cower in fear every time I see my mom reach for a shoe, belt, stick, kitchen utensil or sharp fragment of rusty metal. I won't share too many details for the sake of salvaging what's left of my personal dignity, but suffice it to say that I have a large teeth-shaped bruise on my thigh, a large money-shaped hole in my wallet, and a large chasm-shaped void in my soul. The weekend also involved a lot of pizza, brownies, fudge, beer, and highly inappropriate drinking games. But wait, did I mention the spanking? The spanking was definitely the best part, second only to my fudge which is pretty much so fucking good that if I could intravenously inject it with a syringe and needle, I totally would.

All in all, I'd say it was a winning weekend. I have pics to prove it, but they're only accessible if you're over 18 and have a valid credit card.

2.15.2006

V-Day Celebration

Because I am newly single**, my good blogger friend Anessa decided to do me the “favor” of calling into our local radio station's Valentine's Day MILE OF MEAT extravaganza, wherein ladies drive by a row of random, single men standing on the side of the road and pick out the one they want to meet. As kind and generous as my good friend is, she chose one such gent for me and called into the radio station, giving them my specs and naming what celebrity my looks compare with (I told her to say post-Sonny Cher, but I don't think she follows instructions well). This little stunt of hers effectively thwarted my plans to sit at home all night watching American Idol and sobbing into a glass of red wine while wearing the very new, very expensive Marc Jacobs dress I bought in anticipation of spending a nice, romantic Valentine's Day with my now former boyfriend. I suppose one thing I CAN thank her for is saving me money on dry cleaning bills, because I can't imagine that getting red wine stains out of gold chiffon is all that cheap.

We had lots of drinks and lots of fun, although I must say that the fun scale escalated once we were able to successfully rid ourselves of midget who was supposed to be my meat. He must "accidentally" add an extra 1 when he tells people he's 5'11''. I especially enjoyed being able to pretend to be Mrs. Anessa when her hubby’s psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at the bar. In no uncertain terms (and under the guise of being sappy-sweet, you know how girls are) I told the bitch to stay away from my husband and quit calling him because- DID YOU GET THE MEMO?- he’s married. She vehemently assured me that there was nothing going on between my (Anessa’s) husband and herself, repeatedly told me how beautiful, cool, pretty, wonderful, and nice I am (all true), and then proceeded to call Anessa’s husband and rat me out. If we hadn’t already left the bar I would have stalked that bitch down and spiked her in her fucking forehead with my stiletto, SWF style.

The highlight of the night was when a group of 6 Mile of Meat refugee women escaped to another bar to commiserate on the overall LACK of grade A meat at the aforementioned gathering, we happened upon a lonely financial analyst from Idaho. After asking whether he was Mormon, one of the ladies shouted across the bar, "WE'RE NOT ALL GOING TO BE YOUR WIVES, OKAY BUDDY?" I laughed so hard I crapped my pants and ruined my special VD undies. That's the beauty of being single, folks- you can leave shit stains on your brand new lacy thong and not worry about it because AIN'T NO ONE GONNA SEE 'EM NOWAYS.

Bottom line: I was wicked hungover this morning, and if I ever have to see another wooden handled toilet plunger again in my life, I might just go on a homicidal rampage.

**Don't even ask because it's nunya GD business.

2.11.2006

It's All About the Meme!

Four jobs I’ve had

1. Birthday Party Coordinator at a kid's gym
2. Sales Associate at The Gap
3. Hostess/Waitress at too many restaurants to name
4. Registered Ass-Spelunker

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

1. Empire Records

2. Can't Hardly Wait

3. The Big Lebowski

4. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

Four places I have lived

1. Phoenix, AZ

2. Denver, CO

3. Fort Worth, TX

4. Houston, TX

Four TV shows I love

1. Strangers With Candy

2. Six Feet Under

3. The Office (UK)

4. Judge Mathis (he's my DOG!)

Four places I’ve vacationed


1. South Padre, TX

2. San Diego, CA

3. Las Vegas, NV

4. Cozumel, Mexico!

Four of My Favorite Foods

1. Brussels Sprouts

2. Sweet Potatoes

3. Sushi

4. Lard

Four sites I visit daily

1. Hotmail- to check for porn solicitations.

2. Dooce- duh.

3. HomeDetentionLady- that's my bitch!

4. Strange Dolls- I fanatically check her site for new stuff!

Four places I would rather be right now

1. In my warm and cozy bed.

2. Brazil.

3. New Zealand.

4. Fiji.

Four people I am tagging


1. Your

2. Fat

3. Ass

4. Mama

Steal it if you want, bitches.

2.10.2006

Bootylicious

Today I was informed by another nurse that my patient enjoys ogling my attractive gluteus.

Or, in his words, "HER ASS IS FINE!"

I suggested that he write to the Board of Nurse Examiners and inform them of how highly qualified my juicy buns are as health care providers. Maybe I can shake-shake-shake my way into a higher tax bracket.

2.07.2006

Does This Ever Happen to You?

Everywhere I've gone today, I've periodically experienced these pungent whiffs of musky cologne, and it's driving me CRAZY! It's not another person, because there's no way that one person could have followed me everywhere I've gone today. And it can't possibly be my detergent, shampoo, deoderant or B.O. (I DID take a shower today!) I've been maniacally sniffing everything on, near, or around me for the past few hours and CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. I'll catch a little sniff of it from time to time and I immediately stick my nose up in the air and inhale deeply, hoping to track down the offending source. I probably look like Tara Reid on a Saturday night.

Before I get migraines, I usually smell citrus, or sometimes burnt popcorn. I know these are common olfactory hallucinations associated with migraines, but I'm beginning to wonder if this cologne scent is a new one on me? Dear God, I hope not. I have a test in an hour and another one tomorrow morning- no room for migraines in my life right now!

THERE IT IS AGAIN! This is driving me NUTS. It's totally distracting. I should be studying. Anybody have a clothespin?

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