Shocking statements from Austin (and these are just a few!)
Megan asked... "Have you ever sweat so much in your pajamas that you wondered if you pissed your own pants?"
Anessa said... "It's better to love pubes than to love boobs!"
Megan asked Carol... "Are you a registered sex offender? Does your P.O. know you've left the state?"
Sherri said... "I don't have a dick that I can fold back."
Megan said... "Carol, you showed us your tree rings- now we know how old you are!"
Anessa said to Jessie... "You don't call panties panties unless you're a fucking pervert!"
Megan and Sherri said... "I ride in the cockpit of Cuntinental Airlines."
Garrett asked Anessa... "Why is your ass leaking?"
Anessa replied... "Because you don't have any napkins!"
Carol asked Megan... "What do your tattoos say?"
Megan replied... "This one says, 'I fucked Carol's husband,' this one says, 'I blew his fucking mind,' this one says, 'Now he's my baby daddy,' this one says, 'Bye bye, Carol,' and this one says, 'BOOYAH!'"
Carol said... "I'm a fucking armpit motherfucker!" (she was on the phone with her kids at the time)
Anessa said... "Garrett's got the biggest piece of meat I've ever seen, and he's rubbing it hard!"
Sherri said to Garrett... "You drive like someone who fucks his sister!"
Megan said... "Piss is the new black."
Sherri said... "I think smoking crack is a good idea."
Jessie replied... "I smoke pole!"
Garrett said... "I didn't fart. If I farted I would shit my pants!"
Megan said... "Emo? How about GAYmo!"
Anessa asked... "Do they make thong shaped depends?"
The stripper said... "It's not a party until someone gets teabagged."
Anessa said to me... "I fucked your pussytits while you were sleeping!"
Carol said... "Ya'll don't tell me what I don't know! YA'LL don't know. I'm from the fucking ATL!"
Megan said... "I'm June Carter Cash Money!"
Carol said... "I made him shave his own god damn back hair!"
Megan said to Carol... "Do you ever wear clothes by that designer Polio Ralph Lauren?"
Dagny said to Carol and Megan... "Gimp fight! Gimp fight!"
Sherri said... "I can't aim my urethra in a water bottle!"
Anonymous #1 said... "I'd fucking fuck Jon Armstrong."
Anonymous #2 said... "My husband calls it the Little General. It stands at attention."
There is oh-so-much more that I can't repeat... not even HERE, on the dirtiest blog in blogland. Seriously, you all have no idea how fucking outrageous these women are. I saw more areolas, anal pubes and pussytits than I care to admit. I heard enough horror stories to make me swear off having children or participate in any activities that lead up to the process of having children forever. I saw a stripper with a severed toe. I attempted to follow suit by severing a toe myself. I got a tattoo. I shocked strangers and gay men alike. I walked barefoot through 6th street. I watched women squat and piss in the grass and seriously considered doing it myself. I saw Megan hump a street sign. I saw Dima spank that ass. I watched Marit get down and boogie. I watched Megan scream at cyclists and imitate the mentally challenged. I got pooka'd by Amanda B. I saw Anessa piss her pants (and took pictures, too!) My arm got stuck in Carol's mom thong. I laughed til I cried, and then laughed some more.
It was, in short, the best weekend of my life.
I never would have guessed that I could love another human being as much as I love this kid. She is the epitome of perfection. Her hair, her smile, her farts, her double chin, her spit bubbles, her sausage fingers, her eyelashes, her smell... especially her smell. The Universe revolves around that smell.
She is God's most perfect creation, and I feel eternally blessed because He gave her to US. My heart starts and stops for her. My breath catches in my throat every time I look at her. My knees get weak each time she smiles. She completes me in a way I never thought possible. She makes me a better person. She makes me an Aunt.
Guess Which Blogger Said... (Sex Edition)
1. "Clitty litter is female smegma."
2. "The balls beat the dick's ass!"
3. "I don't have a hermaphrodite penis-clit."
4. "Panties are for people who wear vaginas."
5. "Can I shock you in your calico kitty?"
6. "I had a little black in me. Okay, I had a LOT of black in me!"
7. "That guy looks like someone choked on his neck. That's not a regular hickey!"
8. "V is for my vagina grew shut."
9. "Once you go black, you need a wheelchair."
10. "The stripper blew on Carol's coochie and now she's pregnant."
I Miss My Girls!
Lucky for me, I don't need to waste time trying to find the appropriate words- that's why I took notes all weekend! But before I divulge everyone's deepest, darkest secrets which were so brazenly disclosed in a careless act of drunken stupidity (*cough*NESSA*cough*), I want to take this one last opportunity to be sentimental and show the internet just what cool chicks I had the pleasure of getting to know (and grope). These are just a FEW of my less incriminating photos.
Meet the Shockers!
There's No Place Like Home.
Some of you may have heard that I was the official secretary for the Bloggers Gone Wild trip this past week, and let me tell you people that I have so much DIRT on those girls that I think there might be a few pending lawsuits and divorces as a result. I will shock you with all of the shocking details later, but right now I have to "study" for an exam I have in a few hours.
I had a fucking fantastic time in Austin with a group of amazing women. There is no doubt in my mind that some life long friendships were formed, and I was pretty SHOCKED that no one stabbed me in my fucking jugular for being so loud, obnoxious and god damn annoying.
I can't thank you ladies enough for this weekend. The fun, the laughter, the eating, the drinking, the dancing, the shocking, the pictures, the memories and best of all, the stripper. It was truly incredible.
Austin is the new Black
See you bitches on the flipside. Shock out with your cocks out!
Lack of Hetero Sex Doesn't Make Her a Dyke... or DOES it?
Sister: "Why do you have a friend that lives in Minnesota?"
Me: "Why wouldn't I? I have friends that live in places other than Texas, you know."
Sister: "Where'd you meet her? On the internet?"
Me: "Ummmm, yes."
Me: "She's actually a really cool person and we have a lot in common!"
Sister: "I don't want your dyke internet friends breathing all over my baby with their retarded Minesoooooooootan accents."
Internet, meet my family.