A Murder of One (I'm Talking About You, Danny.)
My highly addictive personality, paired with a few well-known psychological acronyms such as ADD and OCD, has left me prone to a lifetime of fleeting and unrealistic infatuations. These obsessions define who I am; they are what make my parents proud of the only remaining child for whom a flickering light of hope still remains. If that doesn't scare the ever-loving shit out of you, then maybe my top ten list will.
1. Michael Jackson. The King of Pop is my all time #1 obsession. My parents actually met him on their honeymoon, and since, true to our white trash heritage, my mom was already knocked up at the time, I can honestly say that I was present for that encounter. The memory's a little fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I recall doing the moonwalk in my amniotic fluid.
2. Smartees. I think my roommates and I once tried to calculate how many pounds of Smartees I ate during finals week my junior year of college, and the number was well into the double digits.
3. Strangers with Candy, the greatest show ever aired on television. Jerri Blank is what I think I could possibly be like had I allowed my addictive personality to guide me towards crack-cocaine, prostitution and a really bad hairdresser. What the hell, it's never too late to live your dream, right? "CLEARLY, she's retarded!"
4. Todd Anderson. I don't care if he had a nose job at 16, I used to skip band practice to walk by his locker every fucking day. Once my elbow brushed up against his sleeve and I haven't washed it since.
5. "I Miss You" by Incubus. My college anthem. I've listened to this song so many times that I think the band should start paying ME royalties.
6. Jakob Dylan of The Wallflowers. The reason why I could never be a lesbian. That, and the fact that I like penis.
7. eBay. I'm currently seeking outpatient rehabilitation for this particular addiction.
8. Scooby Doo. I've had this unhealthy infatuation with Scooby Doo since I was very young. I'm not sure what it is that continually draws me to this juvenile cartoon. Maybe it's the familial connection! Shaggy is my brother, Daphne is my sister, Velma is myself, and Fred is every guy I've ever dated. My Scooby Doo memorabilia include pajamas, slippers, panties, shirts, cups, magnets, bathing suits, and jewelry. If they make Scooby Doo bongs, it's quite possible that at one point in my life I would have paid good money to own one. It's also quite possible that if I did own one, my brother would have stolen it by now.
9. Listening to, writing down, memorizing and reciting angsty song lyrics as a teen. This was a daily activity for Fats and myself as youngsters. Whereas most kids were locking themselves in their rooms after school to experiment with sex, drugs, self-mutilation or heavy eye makeup, Fats and I were intently listening to the lyrics of Live, Smashing Pumpkins, No Doubt, Nirvana, Alanis Morisette, The Offspring and Celine Dion, arguing over whether Kurt was saying "Hello" or "Hell no." Sadly, our parents never questioned this unhealthy, antisocial behavior, which is why I now blame them for everything that's gone wrong in my life.
10. Danny Evans in a dress. The hottest shit since Kevin Bacon did that nudie scene in Wild Things.
Tell me your top ten obsessions in the comments. Or you can post it to your blog if you're so inclined. Danny has promised to show his tits to everyone who participates.
I did, in fact, play the flute in high school. It wasn't until COLLEGE, however, that I became proficient at blow jobs. GOD, what kind of a person do you take me for?!
2. diet dew
3. reality 'stars' from mtv's the real world and road rules
4. the office
6. the end
Currently, I'm obsessed with finally getting my power back after 3 days of none!
2. my kids
5. "the soup"
6. "best week ever"
7. jennifer aniston/angelina
8. advertising & design (i'm sick)
9. my house