Operation: Get Megan the Mental Help She Needs, Quickly Before She Kills Someone. Namely Me.
Megan: Road trip suicide is on the horizon.
Me: Take pictures and post them to flickr before you go!
Megan: You cunt. You didn't even try to talk me down.
Me: Because I look good in black.
"Did you choke on a chicken bone last night, or what? I waited until 3:00 am
for you to sign on to yahoo. I didn't even get out of my chair to use the
bathroom, I just soiled myself at my desk. I didn't want to miss you. Now
I'm calling in sick to work, because I'm exhausted from stalking you. I've
been paying [your roommate] a monthly stipend this entire time. The reason she's your 'wife' is because I've been putting a little spending money in an account of
hers over in Germany. She keeps tabs on you, and I put franks in her
pocket. Now that I've told you this, I guess that one of us is going to
have to kill you. Enjoy your LAST DAY AT WORK MY FRIEND.
I love you. I've always loved you. Why did you make me do it?
THE BEST FRIEND YOU EVER HAD
via text message:
Megan: Still at work?
Me: Waiting for the bus to take me to my sauna- I mean, car.
Megan: God forbid you suffocate.
Me: Why, so you can claim my corpse and burn it in some sort of pagan lesbian love ceremony? I think not.
Megan: No, I just want to kiss you all over.
Me: That's fucking sick you necrophiliac. Your place or mine?
Megan: Mine. [Your roommate] won't be there.
Me: She might be. She'll probably cuff herself to my lifeless cadaver in her extreme grief. You'll have to work around her.
Megan: I'll wait for her to pass out and cut you loose and then we'll ride off into the sunset, ok, Louise?
Me: I'm not committing a double suicide with you until you get me a promise ring, or at least a convertible.
Megan: How's a promise pod sound? It's either that or a hickey.
Me: I'll take the hickey.
NOW TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME CHANGE.